Paper Hearts
by EbbyGothic
Summary: When Gerald gets a high paying job in Jersey the Broflovski's move away from South Park. Kyle falls into depression and writes to the person everyone least expected... Tweek Tweak. Letters are posted back and forth over months, while both boys sort out their lives and feelings. We follow Kyle and Tweek for a year until the letters stop. Fic contains some Creek and eventual Twyle.
1. Jersey Sucks

Tweek,

I bet you're wondering why I'm writing to you and not someone I was closer with. Well that's complicated and eventually I might allow you the knowledge of truth, or end up confessing my innermost thoughts to you.

But right now, I'll keep it simple. You're not a complete asshole like most the other people in South Park and I feel I can trust you.

Now, I need someone to keep my spirits up. Jersey sucks balls like you wouldn't believe. Remember the time all the Jersey fucktards invaded South Park. Well this is their town and there are thousands of them, with their shitty outfits and douchebag attitudes. I just can't take it man.

Mom and dad seem right at home, oblivious to the fact their son feels like jumping off one of the many skyscrapers that surround our tiny, cramped apartment. I mean, of course they're happy, dad in his new job is fucking raking it in and mom is promptly spending it on hair weave, acrylics and makeup. As soon as we set foot in town, she reverted back to insane Jesey whore. I may've been born here, but I feel I don't belong. Do you get me? I feel like a fucking hic and I haven't changed my clothes or attitude. Just my address.

Fuck, it feels like I've been condemned to some form of hell on earth. I now understand what Cartman means; god must really hate the Jews. Because to drag me away from everything I hold the dearest is so fucked up, I can't even begin to describe it.

Ike also misses South Park, he's taking the move better than me but he's not at all pleased with being dragged away from everything he ever knew. He's actually the closest thing I have to a friend here right now and even gave me reason to laugh for the first time in over a week yesterday. We were sitting in the sand having a soda, when we began reminiscing about our home. I named people I missed the most; you, Stan, Kenny. Ike on the other hand began a nonsensical rant about none other than Karen McCormick. After wrestling my surprisingly strong brother in the sand and pinning him, he confessed he has had a crush on Karen for almost two years and I couldn't help but laugh in his face. Fuck, he's adorable when he's pissed off. Wait, is adorable an appropriate word to use for a ten year old? I don't know.

I started school today; the kids aren't like they are back home. I miss everyone so much and I doubt I'll ever fit in here. I'm just a bumpkin from a two horse, shithole mountain town. I will die in this fucking city.

I got a job, peddling souvenirs for the shore down by the beach. It sucks; no one will ever buy shit from the kid sweating to death in the coat and the bright green ushanka.

I have no choice but to persevere though, I'll find employment more suited and when I save enough cash I'm definitely coming home. I don't care what anyone says, I need the breath the shit scented South Park air, honestly this place smells like hair gel, tanning lotion and diesel from the emissions caused by the large gas guzzling SUV's. I fucking hate this place.

I sincerely wish I was there right now, fucking about with the guys; yes even Cartman. No matter how much of a fat fuck he is, these people somehow make him look saintly.

The only thing that gives me hope right now is imagining when you receive this. I envisage you sitting somewhere secluded, quiet. Away from the hustle and bustle of other kids. You have a takeaway coffee you made yourself when you checked in at Tweak Bros. before school. Because being manager is the shit. You twitch as you read the letter and you see it's from me and smirk because I was always the nicest to you when you hung out with us. Your eyes silently scan the page and you don't know what to think. Well here's something amazing you can ponder, the coffee here tastes like someone's sweaty balls have been soaking in it for months on end. What I'd give for you to make me a soy cappuccino right now, like you did every morning before school, because I'd come in knowing you'd be there and although you weren't working, you'd never allow anyone else to make my order. You're a good friend Tweek.

Life isn't fair, this is proof. Just because your parents get a better job offer away from town doesn't mean you should be sentenced to fucking purgatory. I feel like I'm a lifeless shell right now, roaming these foreign lands, hoping to somehow make it work and I doubt I can make this work. There's no way I see anything going right here, at least in South Park, I knew when I awoke in the morning I'm bound to end up in some chaotic situation. Here, their brand of chaos is if the salon doesn't have an appointment or the local diner runs low on fried pickles. It's so majorly fucked up dude, you should visit you'd freak the fuck out the moment you set foot on the soil.

I just feel so depressed; I have lost my will to go on. This place feels like it sucks the life from you. I don't want to be consumed by a town, I definitely don't want to become a suicide statistic although as the days pass that seems the only option to get out.

I hope you reply to me soon. I fear without a connection to home, I might slowly be sucked in by the city douchbaggery, and I don't want to lose touch with who I truly am.

Your letters will keep me humble and sane, I just know it.

Kyle.

* * *

A/N - Hope you enjoyed this first letter.

This fic is going to be a piece written by myself along with my amazing friend, writing partner and editior XxDarkSarcasm1010xX

We brainstormed the idea earlier for a cute, letter style fic and chose the characters we write best? Why are we working together you ask? Because for one of us alone to write both characters it would've been obvious and ended up sounding the same. So yeah we picked and I am Kyle, she is Tweek. They'll sound different and this will be fucking awesome. So enjoy and don't forget to let us know what you think.


	2. Reality Check

To Kyle,

Dude what the fuck.

You've been gone for weeks without contacting anyone you bastard.

But it's really, really good to hear from you Kyle.

As soon as you picked up and left, it was like a bomb had been set off in South Park. Not a real bomb, but one of those figurative ones where people's emotions finally boil over and it's like a chain reaction. A week after you left it really sank in that you were gone, _you fucking left dude_, and you didn't even say goodbye to any of us. One day you were chilling with your group of guys you call your friends, and then the next your house had been sold to another family without any of us knowing.

I still remember Stan banging on my door and begging me to come over to your place and drag you out for pizza and wings because we hadn't seen you for days. I was going to tell him to fuck off but I had something to tell you.

No offence to you, but me and your super best don't exactly have the greatest relationship, especially now.

Imagine our surprise when we knocked on your front door and a woman's face we had never seen before answered, looking just as surprised.

"Who are you?" Stan snapped.

"I just moved in with my family, we're new here." The woman nervously replied.

Stan had laughed, his eyes looking cold as he said, "Nice joke Kyle, real nice. You got me now come out."

And the lady at the door was looking at me for help, as if I'd know what to say.

"Where's Kyle?" Stan spat, "Where's Kyle!"

I kinda felt bad for her; she had two tall teenage boys standing on her doorstep, one yelling at her, the other twitching like some kind of crack addict.

When they told us the old family, your family had moved to Jersey, Stan was in some kind of denial, he even thought you were playing this elaborate prank on him. But I knew better, I get it man, why you just picked up and left without telling any of us. The guilt would kill me too.

I unfortunately spent the rest of that day with Stan. Even though the guy's seventeen, he's always been a cry baby, and between the babbling and sobbing, I think I started to lose my shit. I had exhausted the nearest Harbucks, sucking back coffees until my credit card declined…four times. I tried comforting Stan, oh sorry, I mean _Raven_, but he was a mess—he's still a mess.

Kenny and Cartman surprisingly acted out in their own ways. You know that fucking weird thing Cartman does when he draws a face on his hand and talks to it? Yea, he's been doing a lot more of that. It's funny though, because it's got this scowling face, and green eyes, and he carries his mother's red lipstick around so he can touch up the hand puppets curly red hair, or should I say Jew fro. Are you as shocked he's made an imaginary you on his hand? I think it's cute in a fucking desperate for attention sort of way. And Kenny, Kenny hasn't been the same. It was like something in him snapped. He doesn't wear his hood anymore, and he's gained this crazy popularity for being smooth with the ladies, so he doesn't really talk to any of us anymore. The guys got so many friends now, but I think he's just trying to compensate for loosing you.

I was chilling with Ken one day behind the school smoking a blunt—yea Kyle, I'm into the green now, it helps me calm my nerves now that I don't have anyone sensible to talk to anymore, and Craig isn't exactly the empathetic type—and when he leaned over to light my blunt, I noticed this thing on Kenny's neck.

It was a tattoo, which doesn't surprise me or anyone really, except for the fact that it was of the Star of David. The dude actually went out and got a tattoo of a Jewish symbol, and I'm sure we can both guess why. Kenny punched me right in the jaw when he saw me staring, my face still fucking hurts.

I think about my old group sometimes, you know, the one with me, Token, Craig, Clyde, and Jimmy…after you left we kinda drifted apart too. Not that it's your fault, it's more my fault. Token and Jimmy didn't like the fact I was high all the time, so they dipped our group, and Clyde went with them, something about how he rather have best friends then be a third wheel to me and Craig.

Yea, me and Craig…it's not a new thing. We were fooling around for a bit a few months ago before getting together, that's kinda why I was acting like a dick to you those few times we chilled for coffee. I'm sorry for that, man; I would take back all my dickish behaviour if I knew I would only be seeing you for three more weeks before you moved away. When you left I kinda felt like I was missing a part of myself, so that's where Craig came in. But I think everyone feels that way; we've all found our own solutions to coping with the gap you left with us.

Cartman made an imaginary you, Kenny fucks his brains out in hopes of never thinking about you, Stan's turned into a pussy goth kid, hell, even Butter's is upset your gone, the kids been killing himself trying to help people cope.

And then there's me.

Sometimes when I'm not drowning my sorrows in coffee or fucking Craig, I think about how much I hate you for leaving. Or at least not telling me…you know how fucked up I get with my anxiety. It killed me knowing you had left, and I hadn't been able to see you off.

You probably wanna know why I went with Stan that day to your house, don't you? I was going to invite you to my birthday, right before school started, the guys had conned me into getting my parents to leave so I could throw my first, and last, house party.

The party happened, but no one was in a good mood, but it was nice to drink our depression away in the company of others.

Kyle, as much as you hate that shithole Jersey, South Park has always been the worlds shitting ground, and now that you're gone…

Fuck.

How did everything get so messed up?

I won't tell any of the other guys about your messages though, it would crush them knowing that you've contacted me while they're trying so hard to forget you and move on.

I don't mean to depress you; depression is too much pressure and all that bullshit. I really look forward from hearing back from you, even if you did leave us all behind, you asshole. But I forgive you.

I forgive you, Kyle.

Tweek.


	3. Odd Behaviour

To my Twitchy pal,

I'm not a bastard... My parents are the fucking assholes of this woeful tale. If anyone needs someone to be angry with then hate them... Not me. I didn't have any say in this fucked up situation. I'm as pissed off as the rest of you.

I really didn't think everyone would take my departure so badly. I figured I was never that important.

I'm sorry about Stan embarrassing you he's just that type of guy and let's his emotions get the best of him; it's always been that way ever since we were kindergartners. My nearest and dearest are complex beings; yet then again the best people are.

Although the news of my friends destroying themselves hurts me, even the sadder stories of home give me hope.

Hope that one day I'll return, hope that I am loved. Which it seems I am.

Speaking of love, you and Craig huh? Well it doesn't surprise me. You're both attractive... I mean. Handsome. OK what I'm trying to say is, that'd be uber cute and you two would look nice together. Although I can't help but think your personalities may clash... You're so gentle and Craig, well Craig's a bit of a dick sometimes but I can see his appeal.

So are you fully gay dude or bi? I don't want to overstep any boundaries but I've always wondered what your deal was. Especially after the night of Stans sixteenth. Remember that game of spin the bottle? I do and sometimes remembering times such as that are the only things keeping me alive.

I swear to fucking god and I don't care if I'll be smoten for that, you know considering the fact I'm a Jew and all. But yeah I'd give anything right now to have a friend by my side through this.

School today was hell... I went from loved to loathed in the matter of two weeks. In South Park everyone knew my name and story. Here they dont give a fuck.

I got involved in a major fight today. I just lost it. I flipped out and began shaking violently. Me and this other kid began beating each other. I come out of it with a black, swollen eye and a few cuts and grazes. so nothing serious whereas he lost about five teeth and had a bloodied up fucking face and what set me off. He shouted for me to go home and fuck a cow.

I guess I overreacted. Only slightly. My current condition and thought process can only be described as delicate these days. although like most things I'm positive this will pass given some time to heal.

Honestly dude, I never thought I'd react this way. Violence, depression... Shit that's not me. What the fuck? I'm usually the one who can dig up a dog turd and make it seems like I found gold. So I don't understand why this is so difficult, why can't I just make the best of this? Maybe there's no positive spin on this?

So now I'm being forced into counselling three days a week. Not just for anger management but the school called in my asshole 'rents and told them they suspect I'm depressed and suicidal. Well no shit Sherlock... Do they want a fucking medal for figuring that one out?

I can promise you now, you're the reason I won't harm myself. Just keep me updated please, I've never been so desperate in my entire life. But now I'm desolate, I'm begging and I need you Tweek. Will you accept the challenge? Keep me alive and help the others get through this. I know it's a lot of pressure, but I know you can handle it after all I've witnessed you face and conquer.

I will anxiously await your next reply.

K

P.S. Do you think you could get me a picture of Cartmans weird ass hand Kyle. I'd like to see that fatass has finally gone mental and I caused it. Am I being too wicked?


	4. Between Friends

Dear Jersey stuck Jew,

Dude, let's not lie. You're totally a bastard, but that's why we all like you…well, scratch that, at least that's why I like you.

I don't think you realize how involved in everyone's lives you truly were. You were always having these adventures and somehow everyone would be screwed in whatever situation you, Cartman, Stan, and Kenny had gotten into.

Remember that time my parents found the bazooka in my closet and you played it off like some kind of cosplay prop. You were always doing that, helping people out of tough situations, even though you had the worst to deal with. I don't even want to know how you put up with your Jersey Ma.

I think…Stan just needs someone. You were his best friend, his life line. That guy is a class-A leech. He doesn't know how to be alone without driving himself into a depression, or drinking himself sick. Is it possible to hate someone and also feel fucking bad for them? That's the only way I can describe how I feel about your ex bestie.

Kyle, you better get your ass back here one day. You don't even know how shitty everything is. Every day I sit in class with these mopey bastards, and it's starting to piss me off. I mean, no one really knows why I'm suddenly more upbeat at school, but I can't just tell them that Kyle fucking Broflovski is sending me letters.

Man, I still can't believe it sometimes. You picked me.

Speaking of school, you can't just be starting fights with people like some kind of brute. Don't stoop to their level; those Jersey fucks are going to rot your brain with their spray tan and haughty lingo bullshit.

Oh, okay, Craig. How do I explain this entire thing? First off, I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual. I'd say pansexual, but I'd be lying if I said I want picky with who I fucked. That's just my OCD for you. Can you believe I made Craig get two tests to make sure he was clean for any STD's? Considering Craig's been with Kenny, I was surprised when he came out clean. But yea, it's been weird with Craig. The sex is fine and all but I like how he's not always in my face like some clingy girlfriend.

He has his moments though, when he's not flipping me off and cursing at me for ignoring him. He's been having a lot of problems with his parents recently, so sometimes he'll come over to my place during the middle of the night, and just ask me to hold him.

It's kind of funny if you think about it; two tall ass teenagers cuddling in a tiny twin sized bed, barely able to fit. I always thought I'd be the one who was in need of emotional help, considering I'm still pretty twitchy, but now that I don't have you around I'm kind of fending for myself.

That game of spin the bottle you mentioned, that's when we first started talking. I unfortunately can recall that crappy party at Stan's. I was pretty drunk, and I think it was Clyde who brought up the idea.

I don't think anyone remembers when I spun the bottle and it landed on you. I don't even think we were talking then because of some stupid fight Token and Cartman were in. But I have a pretty good memory, and the details are still fresh in my mind.

It was pretty weird kissing you, not in a bad way, it was just different. You were always so passionate in everything you did, and I wasn't expecting tongue. You tasted like rum and coke that night. I'm chuckling thinking about what I said to you after I pulled away from the kiss.

"Kyle, your lips are fucking soft, like a baby's ass."

Why did I say that? The fuck if I know.

That kiss sparked something in Craig, because next thing I know we were in Stan's bed and…things got pretty interesting. I probably should have told Stan to wash the sheets but oh well, what's a little dried come between friends?

Dude, I swear to god if you tell him me and Craig got dirty in his bed I'll send Stan to Jersey so you can face his wrath.

So, serious talk Kyle. Stop with all the depressed shit, like you said, it's not you. Maybe therapy will help some. As long as you need the help, I'm here for you. I…I thought long and hard about what you wrote me in the last letter. To help you and the other's to get through this, and I want to let you know that I accept the challenge.

Shit, now that I said it I guess I can't take it back. I think I'm going to start with your ex-bestie first. He's been locked in his room since last week, only coming out for school, if he decides to even go these days.

I feel like I've just accepted an impossible mission. Guess I'll have to be creative.

Oh, and dude, don't be mad, but I might have spilled the beans to Kenny's little sis about your bro's crush. I saw her, and I was like, why the hell not. She cried in my arms, and wrote me a letter to send to Ike. Am I some kind of messenger?

Don't the messengers always get shot?

Well anyways, sorry about the late reply, the Karin thing has taken up most of my weekend. She's going to keep my letters to you a secret, but she wants in on any Ike gossip.

Girls are weird.

Kyle, keep your head up and maybe try not to wear your winter gear in Jersey. You're going to die of a heatstroke, you douche. I can't help you out if your conked out on the beach, now can I?

But seriously, the Stan thing stays between me and you.

Yours truly, Tweekster

P.S. I read Karin's letter, she's so in love with your bro; ask Ike if I can be in their wedding party. And I got a picture of the creepy hand Kyle is attached to the letter. I wonder if Cartman jacks off with it; ah, I bet you love that mental image.


	5. Dirty Little Secret

Heeeeey Tweeekers,

First up, I wouldn't dare tell Stan about you and Craig in his bed. If you can keep my contact secret, I can obviously keep a few for you. Plus, don't let anyone know you heard it from me but Stan's bed would be so fucking happy over the fact it finally got used, Wendy has been with him since we were kids and she still wants to move slow in their relationship. If you ask me they're not moving slow they're fucking standing still. Plus I heard from Nichole that Wendy apparently bats for the other team. According to Nichole, Wendy forced kiss raped her and tried to finger her at last years cheer camp.

Yes, Stan is still a virgin. He's had head in the locker room after football practise, were he came way too early, but sadly he's never fucked anyone. Poor bastard. Also, don't ask me how I know about the locker room, trust me it's no rumour and a guy with a dick that big should be tearing up someone regularly.

This letter will be a little perverted, sorry. I'm just so fucking horny. The weeks spent in depression have now made me a walking, talking hard on. Fuck my masochism. I enjoy pain way too much.

You should be so fucking thankful for Craig, despite occasionally wanting to cuddle, you're getting laid regularly. Try living somewhere where there are no attractive guys and you thought you might switch back to women for a while but they're all overly made up, circus freaks.

I've come to terms with this situation; I can't escape it or fight it so why destroy myself? No point really. I'm just gonna make the best of it with you as my support knowing I can one day get out. I don't wanna die in this backward fucking place.

So my plan of action is get a job, survive school; I only say survive because the other students hate my guts, drown out my parents bitching and become well acquainted with my right hand.

I spat my coffee across the table all over my mom when I read what you said that night, would you believe I'd forgotten about that until I read it. Now I shut my eyes and it replays in my mind.

I guess we could say your words of wisdom have made me feel better. I'm not so fucked up anymore, I still maintain a few dark thoughts here and there but other than that I'm content knowing there is a way back for me.

You're bi, glad to know that. Wondering what someone's deal is can get confusing, I mean I would've never asked that to your face. But now I'm far away and our only interaction is through writing it felt right. So thanks for answering that without being offended or freaking out.

I found the letter for Ike. I read it, young love isn't it sweet?

I gave the note to Ike and he was over the moon. For being so young their understanding of adult relationships is incredible. Ike began rambling about how he's going to marry Karen and they're going to have a family. It really got me thinking. If I had've planned to marry the person I liked at that age, well it'd be kinda weird now. But yeah, let's not get into that.

Although there's no people here to hold my interest I can still find a positive about being away from South Park, no Bebe. God it became tiresome having her chase me around, always asking me out. I never had the heart to tell her the truth about who I was. Up until now Stan's the only one who knows my dirty little secret. But now you shall too, although based on an earlier comment in this letter I guess you've figured out I'm gay. Everyone should've noticed, I was never into girls. I mean, I tried to date a few but that was my way of convincing myself I was 'normal' now I understand normal is whatever you make it. Funny how the world works isn't it?

That fucking picture of Cartmans hand, I laughed so hard I swear I peed a little. He's such an asshole, yet I even miss him ripping on me. If he knew where I was he'd snap out of his insanity and begin a tirade of epic proportions. Perhaps if you ever get bored just mention in passing you heard a rumour I moved to Jersey and watch the fireworks fly. It'd be fucking hilarious.

As for my mom, yeah I don't even know how I'm handling her. I used to look upon her as a strong, amazing woman. Now I can't help but believe she truly is a bitch. Maybe your parents would adopt me? No, okay then.

I took your advice and have put my old snow clothes in my closet, I won't say I've converted to Jersey fashion, simply altered my look a fraction so I'm cooler in this fucking volcanic weather. Well, I can't say all that was thanks to you, being hospitalized with heatstroke for two days is no fucking fun, although it gets me outta that hellish school.

Also, yes messengers usually do end up expiring in the line of fire. But since Ike wanted me to put another letter with this one for you to give to Karen, I guess that puts us both before the bullets. So let's get shot together.

My advice on the two boys in one bed dilemma is simple. Either get a bigger bed or grow shorter. It's quiet funny to hear that actually cuz being naturally shorter than most I've never had that problem. So sucked in.

Anyhow, I've got so much homework to do right now it's not even funny. I've put that photo up on a corkboard in front of my desk, I can't shake imagining if he does wank with it, I mean it's not the most terrible thought I've ever had but it's pretty gross considering I like someone else. But that's a story for another day.

Keep fighting the good fight Tweekers, I believe in you and one day everything will be right again and I'll be back to fill the void I've left in everyones lives.

Until next time.

Kyle; the bastard.

P.S. See upon reviewing your evidence I have since submitted to the fact I am and always will be a fucking bastard.


	6. Fight Club

To Kyle the horndog,

Hey man, how's life treating you? I know you've been taking therapy three times a week, and I'm hoping it's been working out for you. I swear by the end of this letter I'm going to have to go to a therapist because things on my side are seriously fucked up.

So a few days ago I decided to man the fuck up and fight the good fight, and I realized that I have this gift of making everything worse. I spent a whole week planning what I was going to say to Stan, something really inspirational like:

"Stan, you have to realize that staying in bed and sucking back the bottles won't take the depression away. I love you man, and Kyle would want to see you happy. I will help you get through this. I'm here for you, Stan!"

But considering I don't like Stan too much and your name would cause his depression to double, I thought I'd say something like:

"Stan, your friends miss you, man. No one wants to see you like this. You gotta get out more; find yourself a girl, or a guy. You have to live life dude, live life to the fullest."

And he would be all, "Tweek, you know, you're one hell of a guy. You've shown me the light through your words of wisdom, so let's head out to Harbucks and I'll treat you to all the coffee you want."

And it would be a great learning experience for the both of us that would bring us closer together.

Kyle, you wanna know what actually happened? You might want to sit down for this, maybe pour yourself a shot. I know I've been spiking my coffee's with Sambuca for the last few days.

So instead of telling Stan some great inspiration line that would warm his ice cold heart and bring life back to his dull emo self, I walked to the Marsh residence, literally broke into his house, and ran into his room. I yelled out, "Stan its okay to be a virgin!" before I fucking _punched_ _him_ in the face. I punched him Kyle, I don't know why I did it, but it made the worst sound when it connected. I know I panicked as soon as the word virgin flew out of my mouth, and next thing I know my fist was on his eye. I didn't even know eyes could swell that much, or bruise that dark. I feel like such an asshole.

I mean, what kind of fucker runs into someone's house, calls them a virgin, and gives them a shiner?

I am so disappointed in myself.

But then again, it was kind of awesome.

When I saw Craig a few hours after, he pointed out that half my face was swollen and I had a busted up lip. Craig is really good at that, pointing out the fucking obvious. I hope Stan enjoyed punching me back. Maybe I helped him release some kind of stress? That's all I can really hope for. I know I'm going to have to eventually apologize to him…maybe I can set him up with someone and finally help him lose his V-Card. I know that Mormon kid has looked in Stanny-boy's direction a few times.

Fuck yes.

Speaking of sex, I'm pretty shocked you haven't gotten any. You're not an ugly guy Kyle; I remember when you went through that Jersey phase; it didn't look half bad. You were like, the coolest fucking Jew I had ever seen. And your cute too, I'm surprised you don't have a lineup of guys paying to see your ass.

I'm proud of you, dude. Coming out is the hardest thing to do, especially since I know how you family is. You have to embrace yourself, be the guy you wanna be, and you'll eventually find a guy who loves you for you.

I'm confident that the kids in Jersey will like you if they get to know you. There's got to be some kind of normal kid in that hellhole school. At least you have your little bro. I think I'd break down if I had to relocate, being an only sibling and all.

Have I told you I've been hanging around with Karen McCormick now? First it was just for the whole letter thing, but I actually started to get attached to the girl. And you know me, I'm paranoid as hell. I don't make friends; I can hardly keep the ones I have.

Kenny cornered me when he saw me talking to her one day after school, and threatened my life. He thought I was screwing her, and he went psycho older brother on my ass. The bruise on my stomach still hasn't faded. You know, all I did was walk her to Tweek Bros. and make her some coffee. Eventually Kenny apologized when Karen snapped at him, but he's been giving me the stink eye ever since.

I don't hate the guy, but wow he can punch.

Is this like some kind of Fight Club? Why is everyone hating on Tweek?

Karen apologized to me after when she gave me another letter for your genius brother, and surprisingly we started talking about you. She's totally on board with the whole 'Get our friend's back together' plan.

It's nice to have someone to rant to on my end. I know Craig wouldn't understand any of this emotional shit. He's just not that type of guy; he likes things to be normal and simple, and pretty much boring. Plus, the only emotions I think he has are content, angry, and horny.

Sometimes screwing Craig is what I need to keep me calm, but Karen has really helped me out with the emotional shit. She even puts tacky Hello Kitty band aides on my cuts.

Ike is a lucky man, let me tell you.

Keep going strong, Broflovski. If I can't quit on my end, then you can't quit on yours. Tomorrow I'm going to officially get off the green stuff, and hopefully it'll bring Clyde and Token back my way.

Heh…I still can't believe I punched your super bestie.

Anyways, talk to you soon.

Tweek; an even bigger bastard.

P.S. Did someone say they had a crush? Spill.


	7. Love Is All Around

Dear K.O,

First let me first point out Ike read your last letter, little bastard. He came up with the lie that he thought it was Karen's letter to him, I call bullshit on that but he couldn't stop laughing after realizing you punched Stan. Me on the other hand. Well I went and got nice and drunk after my first read of it.

But back on track, I refer to you as K.O only because it's mine an Ike's private joke and if mom and dad are around and we want to discuss you, we use this as code for your name since you seem to have a penchant for punch ons.

In all honest it's a masculine trait, makes you mucho sexy. (Ok, did I just say that? What a lame ass.)

But yeah dude, since it seems to be the in thing around South Park when I finally get down for a visit I might just punch you in the face and you can reciprocate, kind of like a welcome home Jew boy brawl.

Life's treating me better, I know I originally thought therapy wouldn't work and I'm not going to lie. It did fuck all and was tits. I stuck it out for about two weeks before I just stopped going. I've come up with my own coping mechanism, I'm just going to do as I first decided and keep my head down and work focused. It's the only strategy to making it out alive, plus you're my therapy. I confess my innermost thoughts to you; I guess you need to trust the person you're divulging such information to.

So…. I guess the cats out of the bag about Stans little unused issue. Thanks for that dude, he'll know where that came from now as I was the only one who knew, unless... If by chance Stan has the balls to ask where you heard it, you could simply tell him some bullshit about you overheard him and I discussing it one day before I left, he'll have to buy that.

He was constantly whining about it, like his v-card was word vomit. It was something that got bought up on a daily basis. Like, seriously you're the one with the dick, shut the fuck up and accept that your girlfriend wants to wait or dump her ass and hire a whore. I got to the point of frustration with hearing about it that about a week before I left I offered to fuck him just to shut him the fuck up. There's only so much a man can take before he wonders two things.

1) How the fuck is this bitch my bestie?

And

2) If I put my dick in his mouth would that silence his complaining?

Also, don't be disappointed with yourself Tweek. If you knew how often I wanted to punch Stan in the face you'd consider your actions saintly.

Sorry, for ranting about that but you don't know how much it began to test my patience. I guess that's just how Stan is, you either love him and put up with his self-serving emo, bitch crap or you outright hate him.

The Mormon kid likes Stan, that's weird considering he slept with me a few years back. I guess you just can't trust those weird religions. Wait, is me saying that hypocritical?

Fucking Kenny, he's a good guy at heart, but he's a hot headed asshole. I swear if he had his way Karen would end up joining a nunnery and never getting lucky. She'd become a nun, thus getting none. Oh yes, I'm a comedic genius today.

As far as these Jersey asswipes are concerned I'm asexual. I'm not interested in any of them. I got my sights set on someone back there and that can never happen. He's got a gorgeous boyfriend who I can't hold a candle to. So I'll just sit away in Jersey and pine for the one that I can't have. Love isn't fucking fair really. You'd understand right, with Craig. You get butterflies in your stomach, you smile like an idiot and all you want to do it hold him, kiss him and stroke your fingers through his wild blonde hair. Well shit, now you know he's blonde. It doesn't matter. You get me though, right? Those disgusting feelings like soda bubbles floating through your blood making you act like a dicktard. That's pretty much how I feel for my back home blonde. How I'd love to make him my back door blonde, if you catch my drift.

Karen is a beautiful girl; I got along with her perfectly. She straight up asked me if I was gay about a year ago and we were pretty close. Karen was my gal pal, we'd braid each other hair, eat ice cream and I even allowed her to do my makeup a few times. I glance down at my feet now and see I'd still got the remnants of our last nail session left on my toes; a glittery pink. I do miss Karen, she's sweet and loving any man would be lucky to get her attention and the fact Ike is that lucky man has made living with him better. He's calm and always euphoric.

Love is all around, except for me. But as you said, it will come. I remain optimistic because the moment I set foot back in South Park I'm not playing around anymore, I'm going to find my crush and kiss him so passionately his head will spin. There's no point fucking around anymore, I got to get what I want. Right, or am I being selfish?

So now I'm feeling better Tweek, you don't have to be such a strength. How have you been throughout all this, I worry about this pressure on you. You never could handle it well dude. You've been amazing and no I'm more rational minded, I want to be here for you. So lay it on me… I can take it.

Until next time.

K-dog.


	8. Wedding Crasher

Code master,

So you're getting drunk without me, Broflovski? You son of a bitch.

I don't know if I should be happy or embarrassed at the fact that you and your kid brother know me as the guy who likes to punch people. I was under pressure okay, way to hold something over a guy's head. But I kind of like the nickname, better than being called something gay like…Mean Bean, or Twitch Bitch. Tweek Tweak isn't anyone's bitch.

Dude, sucks that therapy didn't work out for you. I can empathize with you though. My own therapist is filled with piss and vinegar, and she does shit all to help me with my anxiety. I guess it's just one of those things where you're better off confiding in people then you are in a complete stranger. I don't know what my parents were thinking on that one.

I didn't mean to tell Stan! I wasn't born with a filter between my mind and my mouth, I've got like, a serious case of verbal diarrhea, and that's some nasty imagery but it's true. I feel like my entire existence can be summed up by sheer awkwardness. Can I get a "foot in mouth" award for being the most socially awkward bastard there ever was? Jesus Christ, how do you stay so level headed, Ky? You were like, leader of the debate club, and everyone always thought you were some work charmer or a silver tongued devil. You got one hell of a gift, and what do I have?

Other than one hell of a right hook. (Ehhhh, violence is too much pressure).

Did you actually offer to shove your dick into Stan's mouth? I can imagine him wagging his tail like a dog at the idea. Hell, that's one hell of an offer. Stupid Stan for not bagging you when he got the chance. I mean, fawning after Wendy for years was probably the stupidest thing he did when you were like, right there. You're a class act in comparison to Wendy. Did you know she's hooked up with Token now and I think she's preggers with his kid. Guess even social activists can be gold diggers too.

Ah, Wendy, would totally kick my ass if she heard me say that. She's scary Ky, fucking scary. Oh hell, Token would kick my ass twice as hard. Fuck! I don't even think I can be in the same room as him anymore. I'm supposed to see him next week with Clyde, they want to rekindle shit, probably because they heard me talking about it to Craig. Who am I kidding, Craig doesn't know what the word secret means. His brain is like a wet piece of plastic. Things peopled tell him just slip off his tongue and he doesn't even bat an eye.

I can never, ever, ever tell him about these letters. I can't imagine how pissed Stan would be, as if I needed another reason for him to hate me.

Oh shit, I may have told Craig about Gary, ugh, another mistake on my part. Thankfully I did not tell him about the whole you sleeping with Gary thing, that would be a catastrophic mistake.

So…what's sex with a Mormon like?

Happy thoughts, I need some happy thoughts.

Funny you mention Kenny…I may have…sort of…spent a weekend with him and it might have kind of been scarring and maybe a little…eye opening? Ah, not sexually I mean, wow that sounds like I spent a weekend fucking him, which I didn't do. We only shared a hotel room together for the weekend in Kansas. It's not what you're thinking. Let me explain.

So my parents had to go to some coffee convention in Utah this weekend, but they were also invited to a wedding for one of my mom's cousins who live outside of the Colorado border. So me being a good kid and all, my parents forced me to go to it and I obliged because well, I kinda had too. Plus, I thought it would be a good idea to get away from your scary bestie for a little bit. So me being a genius, I decide "hey, let me ask Kenny if he wants to come with."

Kenny wasn't having any of it though. He asked me, "Why aren't you bringing Craig?"

I tried smiling it off, because it was a good question, Craig would have come, but I guess I just wanted to try bonding with Kenny, you know, fulfilling the mission and all. So when I went to his house to tell him that, he laughed right in my face.

"You want some bonding time, with me?" Kenny cocked eyebrow (and I'm sure he was cocking other things if you get my drift).

"Yeah dude, I don't even know you anymore, it'll be a fun weekend, all expenses on me."

"If we're going to fuck it's you who's going to be taking it up the ass."

Kyle, I could have punched him for that. Ah, don't tell your brother that. He'll only laugh like the little jerk he is. Ike, if you're reading this, you are a little nosey bastard. Karen's going to make me maid of honor at your wedding, so hah.

Anyways, I snapped at Kenny, and assured him it was just a wedding and he agreed because well, free food, free hotel room, free booze. Not that I got to drink because I was driving, stupid blonde manipulate fucker.

I mean…

Nope, I mean exactly what I said. Me and Ken are on better terms now, that's for sure. He did try slipping his dick into my mouth one night, because he's a piece of shit and thought it would be funny. I know you won't tell Craig, but god knows McCormick has a big mouth.

I miss you Kyle, you would have been my first choice to spend a weekend in Kansas with. I bet you wouldn't have embarrassed me in front of all my distant relatives (as if I can't embarrass myself), or try and make a move on me while you're half wasted. I bet you wouldn't have vomited in my hair either. Yes, that did happen, and Kenny got an ask kicking for that one. You were always a hilarious drunk, then again, you probably still feel tipsy after a few beer, poor little lightweight Kyle.

Hit me up when you get the chance. I'm going to buy a bottle of your favorite rum for when you come back to this shithole.

Till then,

Your knock out Therapist.


	9. You're Blessed

My dearest equally as fucked up therapist,

Of course I'm getting drunk without you, you're not here. If you were I'd share but until you can get your ass here then all the drinks are mine. (Insert evil laughs here) I know drinking alone classifies you alcoholic, but I'm content to wear that tag if that's the cross I must bear.

Now, allow me as a good friend to explain the mistake you made; despite the fact I found it extremely amusing and just so happens so did Ike. Speaking of the little dude, I'll get to him later.

So about the error you made. Do not take Kenny anywhere you have to be well behaved. He's a fucking filthy, trash bag and he'll use anything as an excuse to make a dirty joke or try to get down with you. That boy is like a walking talking, man sized dick on Viagra. Honestly dude, I'd know. He's got a seedy reputation and is known for his prowess, not just with the ladies but with the gents too. If you think I'm a silver tongued devil and am convincing then I'd classify Kenny as my apprentice hooker. I mean, let's face it. You had to know he learnt his repugnant charm from somewhere. Bastard stole a lot of my material while we were fucking around and that's all I'll say on the Kenny shit. You've been warned about him, just be careful and don't fall prey to him.

Your anxiety is still around dude? I swore since we hit puberty it'd almost completely died down. Whenever I'd talk to you you'd seem perfectly fine, well, as fine as a person can be in today's world with all the fucked up shit going on around us. Why do you think I stopped calling you names like Twitch Bitch, because without the Twitch you would've just been a bitch and I didn't want to call you anything like that. You're not a bitch Tweek, you're amazing and seriously every day I'm away I regret not hanging out with you more. Why did we not spend more time palling around? I recall a time when you were always there then somehow Butters showed up and you were not about anymore. I honestly preferred you. I asked the other guys and they would just change the topic or feed me their favourite line, "I don't wanna discuss it." Man, who's mom did you fuck or did you piss in someone's punch. I've thought about it long and hard and I just can't pinpoint anything that went down back then. So spill.

Verbal diarrhoea; makes me think of the time Cartman had everyone crapping out their mouths. Fucking nasty fat fuck. The mental image makes me want to throw up, but thankfully I haven't yet eaten and now probably will just opt for a cup of joe.

Being gifted is a matter of perspective Tweek. I might've once been the leader of the debate club, but now I'm the king of the masturbate club. Seriously, look at us in comparison.

You are manager at Tweak Bros, me; I'm peddling screen prints on the beach and let me tell you, the only reason the guy keeps me on if I bring the bow wow bitches in to spend up big. Yes, horse face women want my d. Blind Freddy could see I'm a faggot.

You have Craig; football jock, with the gorgeous blue eyes men and women everywhere would give a limb to dive in, those inviting lips, the perky ass that wiggles when he walks. Craig fucking Tucker with his bronzed skin and rippling muscles. He is yours whereas I'm going steady with Mr Palmer and his five sons and a copy of Buzzcocks Kenny gifted me before I left.

You have so many endearing qualities yourself. Let's disregard your job or your man candy. Let's talk you.

Your wild blonde hair and the way it sits make you look a little exotic and I heard some slut once suggest your hair was a way to tell you'd go off between the sheets; although I'm not sure how hair tells one that. Your light skin when you blush even a little, how that shade of pink swells your cheeks and crosses the bridge of your nose. Those glistening sap green eyes, they always look sad even when you're not; I always wanted to give you a hug for that reason. Your height and how I'd have to look up straining my neck to talk to you. Not to mention you got a good body for someone who doesn't work out and drinks so much coffee. Asshole. And that fucking infectious smile, always bright when it should've been coffee stained. You're a beautiful creature Tweek Tweak. You've got the world at your feet, so don't ever doubt what you have. Because you're blessed.

I honestly don't give a flying fuck what you said to Stan anymore, he needs to learn to get the fuck over it and you told Craig about Gary….. that's cool too. You asked what it was like so here it goes. At first Gary was nervous, I was his first apparently. He feared if anyone found out he'd be excommunicated, homosexual relations are considered grotesque in his faith, but don't they all frown upon cock in ass? After one session of me fucking his brains out he went dick mad. Wanting to experiment with double penetration and all and I might be a slut but overly kinky shit aint my scene so I threw my scraps to Kenny who was hungry for a new victim. Poor Gary, he would've gotten his wish for vulgarity.

Yes I offered Stan and got rejected. He keeps saying he's not gay. I think he protests too much. But I'm used to rejection plus as I said it was a joke, not that I wouldn't have done it to see if he was any good, but I do believe I've fallen pretty deep for my crush. Weird huh?

Wendy with Token and preggers? Well fuck me sideways, tell him if the babies white he should scoop out her pussy with a melon baller and even if it's a black baby he needs paternity tests pronto. Wendy is a hoe; always has been, always will be.

So back to Ike, since he knows about the letters now we go for coffee at a corner café and read them together. He says you and me are eerily similar. Dude, I don't see it. But when I visit Ike's coming to spend some time with Karen as well as you. He feels being part of this secret he's grown closer to you as well. Tweekers made another friend.

Seriously dude, I would've given anything to have gone to Kansas for that wedding with you. We would've had a fucking sweet time. Drinking, dancing, singing and I'm not saying the hotel would've been totally innocent because well, I usually wake up spooning whoever I'm staying with. But morning wood poking you in the back would be more pleasant than attempted mouth rape. But yeah considering Craig is your partner, I probably would've been too scared to get a boner around you, I mean that mother fucker would snap it off like cotton and like the real life knight in shining armour defend his damsels honour. He just seems the type, but I don't claim to know how you two function.

Anyway, I'm late for the night shift at my dead end job.

TTYL

Your fave Jewish Hoe.


End file.
